The Heterosexual Relationships of Santana Lopez
by ImpossibleThings
Summary: Just some head canon. You can't tell me you haven't wondered what went on behind closed doors with Santana and her beards.


Hello everyone. This was just a short head canon thing I wanted to get out. I mean, come on, Santana is a HUGE closet geek. She totally learnt some Na'vi from Sam.

In regards to the other story I have going on (the Quinn one), I've written chapters 4, 5 and a little of 6...but not three. Well, I'm _almost_ done three. It'll be up within the week, promise! The good thing is I actually have a plot this time.

But seriously, this story was a pain in the arse. Who knew friends with benefits could be so complicated?

Happy holidays everyone :)

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><p>Santana Lopez was gay, and not gay in a Katy Perry way. She was a full on lady loving dyke.<p>

She supposes it should have been more obvious earlier, what with her crush on JLo and Tegan (Sara just wasn't her type).

Not to mention the sex.

Her experiences with boys made her cringe every time she thought about them. That's not to say she wasn't good in bed; oh no. Even if sex with boys was, frankly, disgusting, it didn't stop her from, well, having a little fun.

But relationships are _very_ different to sex, and her relationships were full on _bromances_.

It all started with Matt Rutherford. He was Santana's best friend for a while. It made sense at the time; he was a hot relatively popular football player, she was a hot relatively popular cheerleader. Why not?

She and Matt got together after she broke it off with Puck. Puck was probably the deepest connection she had with an "ex", and definitely the most complicated. But Matt;

Matt was _hilarious_. That would always be something she'd remember about him. They would hang out in kitschy themed diners after school, sharing milkshakes. Sometimes Brittany would be there, and sometimes both Brittany and Mike Chang would join. Santana likes to call those the golden days. School was easy, minus some friction with the glee club; she was popular, and she could hold on to Brittany as she walked down the halls. People respected her. Well, people feared her, and in high school, that's almost the same thing. The best part was, she got to take home Brittany every night. They did their homework (well, Santana did their homework), watched some Sweet Valley High, and by the time dinner was on the table, all was right with the world.

For some reason, every time Santana thought back to those days, everything was tinged with sunlight – even the memories of taking Brittany ice skating during the freak snow storm that December. Brittany was a natural on the ice, with her leaps and fancy footwork, and Santana always made her hold her hand when she stepped onto the ice. Santana was like a baby duck just learning to walk – or so Brittany told her when she skated behind her with her arms through Santana's, holding her up. She got really good at skating that winter. To thank Brittany, she'd make hot chocolate afterwards. Matt and Mike would come over, and since Brittany had a sweet tooth, Santana would go all out: melted chocolate, warm milk, whipped cream, marshmallows, and chocolate chips.

Matt was there for all of that, and hanging out with him under the guise of dating was so much fun. She actually liked kissing him, too, because believe it or not, Santana was a physically affection person with her friends. (Well, maybe you can believe it, with her history with Britt). But kissing was as far as it went, and Brittany kept her warm at night.

Yeah. The golden days.

It broke her heart when Matt moved out of town. Their little quartet made her so happy, and that chemistry couldn't be replicated with anyone else. She, Britt and Mike threw him a going away party. The rest of glee didn't know – or care – but she kept in touch with Matt every so often, and sometimes she, Britt and Mike would meet up at a coffee shop and reminisce about the good old days. They kept that from the group as well – politics, you understand. It wouldn't do, as head cheerleader, to hang out with an insignificant football player.

After Matt, she resumed her little thing with Puck.

Oh, Puck.

The thing about Matt moving and disbanding their group was that Santana had very little innocence left. That was the summer she had a boob job, Quinn had the baby, Brittany was experimenting with everything (well, everyone); basically, shit was going down. The golden days were over.

She was angry, and she was hurt. So she turned to Puck. They resumed sleeping together throughout the summer, picking up from where they had left off from the previous year.

Her relationship with Puck had started out in grade nine because she needed someone as badass as her to make a power couple. And Puck was perfect, let's face it. Throwing kids in dumpsters? It may have been morally wrong but whatever, he was tough. Just like she was.

And it may have been about the status at first, but they grew together. Of course they had sex; the chemistry was undeniable – but afterwards, they'd lay in the dark and she'd tell him her secrets. He was the first to know she was less than straight when after he was released from juvie – he came over the night he was released, which Santana teased him for ('You didn't get enough in jail, prison-boy? What, your boyfriend couldn't keep up with you?') – she let slip that, recently, she sometimes cried after sex with Brittany.

"You love her," he told her – accused her, she thought at the time, and vehemently denied – but he set her right. And he would tell her his secrets, too. He told her about the baby, and loving Quinn, and even when he had his hair shaved off when his mom freaked out about the stupid mole on his head, he told her stories of why he wanted people to fear him instead of liking him.

They had each other's backs, and that was why she got protective of him when he thought it was a good idea to mess around with silly girls, and why he was always there when she was distraught over Brittany fooling around with someone else. He told her once, the night after Kurt's dad's wedding, that even though their situation had some obvious benefits for him, he hated to see her hurt. See, Puckerman may not be by her side all the time, but at least Santana knew she always had someone to bail her out when the time came.

It was hard seeing him with Zizes. They hooked up at the same time Brittany was with Artie, going steady, and she felt like everyone was leaving her. It felt like no one wanted her.

It was a good thing Sam came along.

Like her other "relationships", things with Sam started out in an ambiguous manner. Sure, she may have been dating him for reasons relating to one Quinn Fabray, but she was so thankful that she decided to trick Sam into dating her.

Because what no one saw was that Sam took full advantage of the fact she wanted to date him because of ulterior motives. The idea of fake dating was hilarious to him.

'Come over Santana, I want you to meet my parents,' he'd tease.

'Fuck off Sam,' was her answer, but his mood was infectious and she'd find herself laughing too.

It was a secret she'd take to her grave but when they were together, they watched movies. Since Brittany was with Artie all the time, she had plenty of free moments to spare, so she'd go over to his house or he'd come over with his collection of geeky movies in tow. Tuesdays were sci fi marathons. He actually taught her some Klingon, so that at dinner they would ask each other to pass the salt, or they would swap insults (mostly about the size of Sam's mouth).

(Brittany still thought this was hilarious, and sometimes would ask Santana how to say 'I love you' in Klingon, or sometimes 'let's fuck'.)

She had a blast with Sam. Their whole relationship was a crash course on how to comfortably be yourself. He made no apologies for his weird obsessions, much to the annoyance of Santana who felt it was sometimes necessary, and they ranged from the Na'vi to something called Doctor Who (a show Santana still had a special place in her heart for. Sundays were Doctor Who days. Sam's little sister would sit on her lap and Santana would braid her hair while they debated over the 10th and 11th doctor – though they both agreed Donna was the best companion).

And if you ever tell anyone she may kill you, but one time Sam convinced her to dress up in Na'vi costumes and they went to a convention – out of town, of course. Something called cosplay, which went a little too far for Santana, and in her defence she was feeling low that week and she was not at all sober when she promised to go with him.

But really, she had a lot of spare time on her hands in those days without Brittany. Sam was awesome, but she called those the dark days. Santana once told Sam it was like when Rose was trapped in the alternate universe and couldn't get back to the Doctor, her one true love. Then Sam called her a nerd so she punched him.

They may have been the dark days but Sam got her through.

It was the same situation as it had been with Matt; when Sam moved away, she still kept in contact with him. Hell, she even supported him becoming a stripper (for his birthday, she sent him a Na'vi man thong. He loved it). She was_ psyched_ to have him come back. When they were dating, had hooked up a couple of times after too much to drink, which was part of the private joke they had about his mouth. It may have been big but Santana was making _no_ complaints. Still, she was sure to have some insults at the ready when he showed up again, just so he'd know that she still loved him.

But Sam had left, and then Brittany was there, and before she knew it they were singing and having sex and then she was taking Brittany to the movies and Britt was taking her to dinner and one day, they were dating, and Santana got to take her home again, and she didn't have to sleep alone anymore. The golden days were back and better than ever.

She still wouldn't trade her heterosexual ventures for anything – apart from maybe having that whole Bartie thing never happen. But they were finally together, thanks in part to her bromances, and it was better late than never.


End file.
